The Pennzoil Plus/Schlotzsky’s Deli Great Tibetan Manhunt/Pastrami Round Up of 09!

We are proud to announce an event unprecedented in OGFWBTSMBKP history! For the first time ever, our charity - renowned for working exclusively with the most socially disadvantaged two people on earth - has decided to relax our lofty admission standards and welcome a new member under our wing!

Who? We don't know!

Because the number of our benefactors has dipped below acceptable levels, we need to find viable candidates for aid, and fast! So with a little financial help from the good folks at Pennzoil (a name you can trust in automotive and marine lubricants!) and Schlotzsky’s Deli (a name you can trust in automotive and marine lubricants!), we are orchestrating a meticulous, worldwide manhunt for any and all persons suitable for aid!

To make the search a bit more fruitful, WE ARE SUSPENDING ALL NON-GENETIC ADMISSION REQUIREMENTS! While Celiac disease and being Tibetan are both hereditary in nature, all of our other criteria can be duplicated, induced, or otherwise arranged! That means that even if you don’t meet all of our requirements right away, we will work with you to make sure you qualify before your induction into the OGFWBTSMBKP family!

Why, even if you’re a Gluten-Free, Bipedal, Tibetan Married Woman of No Kids for War, you are still eligible! All you need is an open mind, a willingness to sign ominous documents, and a penchant for being exploited by a bunch of rich westerners who want to feel better about themselves!

And, to sweeten the deal, mention the Pennzoil Plus/Schlotzsky’s Deli Great Tibetan Manhunt/Pastrami Round Up of 09 at any participating Schlotzsky’s Deli and receive a delicious Angus Pastrami on Rye sandwich for only OFFER NOT VALID*! Who knew having a heart could taste so good!

We’re hoping to find a suitable candidate within a few month’s time, and to help meet that goal, our old friend and tireless supporter, John Oates (a name you can trust in automotive and marine lubricants), has agreed to put on a free concert if we find a new member by March 8^th, to commemorate International Women’s Day!

So keep your eyes peeled and your hearts open, and don’t forget, when you’re biting into your delicious Angus Pastrami on Rye, tell ‘em the Tibetan Manhunters** sent ya!

*Only at participating Schlotzsky’s Delis. Schlotzsky’s Deli’s parent company, Focus Brands, is not cognizant and does not endorse this endorsement. Any and all discounts provided are purely coincidental.

**The OGFWBTSMBKP is not associated with the actual Tibetan Manhunters Organization, or the affiliated Laotian Wifeswappers Society.

First Annual Benefit Concert for the Survivors of the First Annual Vodka Box Social and Pie Fight for Charity

The First Annual Benefit Concert for the Survivors of the First Annual Vodka Box Social and Pie Fight for Charity will be held January 2nd in San Diego's beautiful FunYun Dome.

The event will be a solemn occasion, a tribute to those lost, maimed, or irreparably pied during our disastrous November fund-raising effort. We will not only pay homage to the fallen, but also look down the long, bumpy road ahead for those still recovering from the physical, emotional, and spiritual scars left by the violence.

Therapy pamphlets will be available, rubber wristbands honoring the event will be on sale (in a lovely shade of lavender, touchingly inscribed: "Never Forget ~ Pie"), and a Trust Circle and Group Hug-in will be held for our more photogenic attendees. Sorry, but no one likes to see ugly people cry.

The event proper will begin at 1:00pm, with a slide-show memorializing our lost friends and contributors. The families of the deceased will be in attendance, so please, we urge everyone to try and avoid clapping louder for the more popular and accomplished members of the dearly departed.

And then, what better way to help the recently traumatized recuperate than a little old-fashioned, 90-decibel, rock n' roll!

The OFGWBTSMBKP will rock the shit out of some gimped-up mofos, when a cavalcade of music's brightest stars open up their hearts and entertain our brave survivors, or those who contributed the minimum $7500 Gold Member amount to gain admittance.

Performers will include local rap phenom-to-be, J. B*tchslap, sitcom theme composer Albert Walter Long, the surviving members of legendary INXS cover band INXS-able, 80's New Wave sensation Red Death, and, of course, our dear friend and generous contributor, Mr. John Oates.

John will lead us all in a group prayer for those still with us, and a four-minute moment of silence for those who are not. After which, get ready to be Dick-rolled, as pop mega-wonder Rick Astley's brother, Dick Astley, takes to the stage for a medley of his brother's rockingest chart-topping hits!

It promises to be an evening of tears, cheers, laughs, and dreams, so join us, and open your hearts and wallets to those in need of your support. Continue to give, continue to dream. Namaste.

First Annual Vodka Box Social and Pie Fight....for Charity

Come lend a hand as we try to bring comfort to the Earth's most down-trodden two-woman populous by indulging in three days of liquor-fueled debauchery in beautiful downtown Madrid (rated Europe's third favorite den of inequity in Discerning Philanthropic Hedonist Quarterly).

Join us for a long, long evening of rabid alcoholism and pie-hurling, with nothing but the finest in Russian vodka, and all baked goods hand-crafted by world-renowned pastry chef Jean-Baptiste du Bourg III!

Enjoy hob-nobbing with heads of state! Making toasts with celebrated members of the intelligentsia! Watching the aristocracy crumble before your eyes as the sons and daughters of the wealthy piss away their family fortunes as they spiral down the deep, dark toilet of privileged ennui!

Celebrities already RSVP-ed include Hangin' with Mr. Cooper's Mark Curry, the surviving cast members of Time Bandits, REO Speedwagon's infamous speedwagon, and our dear friend, John Oates.

Dress is faux-chic-casual-platitude. All donations post-expense-recovery will, of course, go to Norbu Samdhup and Chogyal Jamyang, our brave qualifying aid recipients, who have given us so much inspiration and hope that someday we, too, may be wizened and Asian.

Until then, keep those hearts and wallets open. Continue to give, continue to dream. Namaste.
P.S. Weed and blow are provided; smack is strictly byob.