We're back!

Greetings, fellow charitable souls.
It’s with great pleasure and coffers agape that we announce the recommencement of operations here at the OGFWBTSMBKP! After many months of court-ordered silence, our legal department has successfully overturned the injunction filed against us last February, meaning we can once again throw open our doors, our hearts and your wallets, and celebrate the liver-shriveling hedonism and unchecked self-righteousness that comes from supporting a charitable cause!It has been a long and arduous battle with the Chinese judicial system in order to keep our charity alive, and needless to say, there was some…litigious ugliness required of us to beat this injunction. If you’d like all the details, please reference the entry Regarding Norbu to get all the sorted details.But for those of you on a tight schedule, here’s the gist without the how or why: In accordance with the court’s ruling, beloved aid recipient Norbu Samdhup will be indefinitely detained in a Chinese labor camp until her debt to society is paid off. It is a grave injustice and a terribly inconvenient tragedy, as it leaves us with only one active recipient for our charity.
As you’re all well aware, we here at the Organization feel that we are not simply giving to individuals in need, but playing only a small part in a much greater cause: the betterment of mankind as a whole, and from there, the extinguishment of all fear and suffering in this world, everywhere, for all time, period, no take backs. This helps keep our billionaire socialite lifestyles the way we like them: rationalized!But having only one person to carry the entirety of our world-changing generosity makes it hard not to notice how little we’ve actually accomplished. While remaining aid recipient Chogyal Jamyang may be a daily inspiration to all who know her, her abundant kindness and profound inner harmony are not enough to keep the truth of our depraved existences from finding us in the depths of our early morning cocaine rage.So, with a spirit of love, acceptance and desperation, we are proud to announce an event unprecedented in Organization history!
For the next several weeks, we will widen the search for our next aid recipient by suspending all of our reversible admission requirements! If you don’t fit the bill, don’t worry! Apply anyway!
Not wheelchair bound? Not a problem!
Sharing a home with a husband or significant other? Not for long!
Don’t have a child? Don’t have a cow!
Don’t have a blind child? We’ll…we’ll take care of that, too.Even if you only fit a few of our categories, go ahead and apply now and we will work with you to meet the necessary requirements once you’ve been accepted into the OGFWBTSMBKP family!
So sign up! Spread the word! And most importantly, friends: Spread the love!
Continue to give, continue to dream.
Namaste

Regarding Norbu...

For those non-premium members that haven’t been receiving the monthly newsletter, The OGFWBlian, a brief recap is in order: In the wake of January’s benefit concert, one of our two beloved aid recipients, Norbu Samdhup, grew irate upon receiving the latest post-celebration relief shipment of half-eaten hors d’oeuvres and tarnished slacks. Norbu, having never actually requested or applied for aid, is well known in the Organization for her unruly behavior whenever we’ve delivered containers of donations/refuse, and in this instance grew so agitated that Organization officials had to restrain her so they could finish offloading three metric tons of aged shellfish into her yard.
A short time later we received a cease and desist order from a rural Chinese magistrate by-way-of Interpol, and had to halt our noble endeavors until we could prove to the overseer of the Nakchu Prefecture that we were not intentionally breaking international sanitation laws.
So, betrayed by one of our benefactors, faced with indefinite hiatus, and certain that a few metric tons of rotten shellfish was waiting for us in an evidence locker somewhere, we knew the chips were down, and we were going to lose it all if we didn’t play every card available to us. Even if that meant performing some…not-so-sporting deeds. Like exploiting the Chinese government’s seething hatred of Tibet. Now, we need to make it clear that we staunchly oppose China’s brutal suppression of Tibet, its people, and its culture, and we condemn the continued, illegal occupation of that great and noble land.
It’s just that, as Americans, our fierce indignation doesn’t mean we can’t shamelessly take advantage of the situation. As our corporate and political leaders well know, China’s contempt for basic human dignity has certain perks that today’s savvy roundeyes on-the-go can capitalize on! So, after numerous illicit activities our legal department has strongly urged us not to mention, it was revealed during the testimony of several highly-paid eye witnesses that our beloved Norbu was in fact the head of a radical anti-government faction called the Iron Dawn, and had personally led over a dozen daring guerrilla raids against important Chinese military installations.
Some might question how a sickly paraplegic with no travel documentation or combat experience could lead a nationwide revolutionary front, but we will defer to the wisdom of Judge Ji’nan Chonghuai, who will be available for comment upon returning from his anonymously furnished Caribbean Martini Tour. Sadly, this means that Norbu will no longer be able to receive aid directly, as she will be spending the next unspecified duration of decades in a maximum security labor camp. We will continue to send our love, support, and post-party care packages whenever possible, and urge our members to pray for her swift and thorough rehabilitation.
In her honor, we here at the Organization have pledged to ensure the well being and education of her son, Lobsang. We vow to provide him with every advantage and opportunity available, including surrogates, tutors, scholarships, travel visas, free health care - no expense will be spared! He will enjoy the very finest of - um. Hm. We just got the initial estimates on all that. That's...can this be right? That seems really...just, wow. But, um, that's okay, that's okay, we have made a vow and we will not rest until...vows aren't legally binding, right? I mean, it's not like an "on a bible" vow if you just say it, right? Will have to look into that. But yeah, we won't rest until we've paid...and paid, and paid... every last cent of his... advantages. Because little...what's-his-face means so very, very much to...everyone...
Hm.
In a completely unrelated and in no way contextually relevant piece of news, we’d like to welcome our new fall intern, Derek, from the University of Michigan. His hobbies include remaining inconspicuous and not reminding anybody of anyone.