The hell on earth known as the First Annual Vodka Box Social and Pie Fight for Charity.

Well, as we all already know, the First Annual Vodka Box Social and Pie Fight for Charity was a massive debacle, rivaling the now-infamous Costumed Masque/Dinner-Roll-Hork-a-Thon of ’84, when the invitations committee mistook Red Death, the New Wave band, for The Red Death, the vengeful incarnation of the bubonic plague. Those were sad days, and now it seems misfortune has visited us once again.
For the handful of lucky members that didn’t make it to Madrid this past weekend, you missed what the Spanish authorities have dubbed “El Incidente de la Destrucción.” We would provide a translation, but, being Americans, we only have a working knowledge of Spanish as it pertains to inexpensive soft tacos. But in short, what was intended to be a frenzied orgy of peaceful fundraising collapsed on Sunday into a frenzied orgy of violence and mayhem, taking the lives of several prominent philanthropists and forever soiling our charity’s reputation.
Tempers were already flaring by the second day, as many guests were displeased with the lack of pie variety. Due to various personal and religious beliefs we were asked to observe before the event, master chef Jean-Baptiste du Bourg III was restricted to only preparing non-poofy, brandy-spiked cherry pies, leading to a dramatic upswing in complaints and Warrant references.The tipping point was when foam insulation heiress and tabloid queen Vanessa Lowry mistakenly accused another guest of being a neo-Nazi. That guest, actor Richard Moll, best known for playing Bull on beloved eighties sitcom Night Court, verbally sparred with Lowry for several minutes, before taking up a pie and hurling it at the unsuspecting socialite.
Whether Moll meant this as a playful gesture or a malicious one is as yet unknown, but having spent the last twelve hours ingesting nothing but pie-filling and amphetamines, the force of his throw was nearly superhuman. The pie decapitated Lowry on impact and carried the head several hundred feet before coming to land in a nearby punchbowl, splashing several aged debutantes, resulting in the rarely witnessed group-fainting spell.Displeased with these events, several uninvited Juggalos, whose presence at the event is still unexplained, decided to prove they wuz 4 real, and began assaulting the other guests. From there the violence spiraled out of control, eventually exploding out into the streets and ravaging several blocks of prime downtown real estate before Madrid police contained the situation.This is a very dark day for our organization. We’ve lost a significant amount of donors, contributions, prestige, and respect in one whirling holocaust of clowns and pie. We need to bounce back. We need to believe. So, drawing spiritual strength from our beloved aid recipients, Norbu and Chogyal, we are proud to announce the First Annual Benefit Concert for the Survivors of the First Annual Vodka Box Social and Pie Fight for Charity, to be held January 2nd, 2009 in San Diego, CA. Big acts we’re lining up include Coldplay (confirmation pending), U2 (confirmation pending), Green Day (confirmation pending), and John Oates (confirmed!). Details will be provided to members as they become available. Remember all, continue to give, continue to dream.
Namaste.